Friday, 10 April 2015

When a pinterest quote just gets you...

I saw this quote on pinterest a few days ago and it has been on my mind since. 
Image from Pinterest. 
I feel stupid saying this because it is just a quote and I pin enough of them on pinterest but it made me emotional too and it got to me a little bit. I think it's because at the moment I don't feel very strong. For a long time I feel like I have put other people first and now I need to start thinking of myself, as selfish as that sounds. I feel like I rely on other people to much to make me happy and I need to start doing that myself. 

I wasn't a very confident person anyway but over the last few months, the little confidence I did have has been knocked because of inconsiderate people who have nothing better to do than bitch about others. It's not nice to know you're been talked about and to know people don't like you. I've always thought I was a nice person and I get on with everyone. Now I know a few people think certain things about me, I feel like everyone does. Now it's hard to go out feeling confident, it's hard to find something nice to wear because I worry everyone thinks certain things about me, it's hard to talk to people because I feel like they won't like me before they've even had a chance to get to know me. I've been made to feel like i'm not good enough and it's hard to get that out of your head once its in their. 

I would love nothing more than to prove people wrong and to show them I am good enough but right now I don't believe it. I hate that I have let other people make me feel like this. 

The reason this particular quote upset me is because I used to be strong, I was a really strong person, I've always been emotional and I cry quite a lot but mentally I could handle things and now I feel like I can't. And part of the reason I want to sort this out and get better is because I want more than anything to be a mum one day and I want to be the best mum possible. I need to be strong mentally and emotionally. I already feel so protective and have so much love for them and I don't even have them yet. I feel like even though they aren't here yet, they're the ones pushing me to to get through this as crazy as it sounds. I don't want my kids to grow up feeling the way I did/do. I want them to be strong but for that to happen they need to have a strong mum. I'll love any children I have but I really hope one day I get to have a daughter and if I do I want her to be a strong, independent and kind woman and if she was to be anything like me, she would probably be a little bit sassy. I want her to be able to get through anything life throws at her and I want her to have a mum to look up to. But for that to happen I need to get through this first, I need to start thinking about me, I need to get rid of the bad people in my life, I need to get to a point where I don't care whether others like me or not, I need to find something that makes me happy and I need to have a life where I don't rely on other people for that.

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