Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Some Sort Of Quarter Life Crisis

I wanted to talk about something that I've seen a lot about online recently - the quarter life crisis. I first read about it in a magazine last month and since then I've seen blog posts on it and so many articles online and I've found I've related to everything that I've read. The quarter life crisis, as it's says on wikipedia is a period of life ranging from twenties to thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult. I'm sure they'll be a few people who've just read that and instantely like me, thought yep I'm having a quarter life crisis, and they'll probably be others who think this blog post is just stupid, but I'm genuinely just stuck at the moment with everything and really don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't really know where to start with why I'm feeling like this and I don't really know where this post is going, sometimes I just need to type and get everything out even if it doesn't really make any sense. I've been feeling a bit lost for a while, but especially the last few months. I always try to have a plan in place, I like routine and I like knowing whats ahead but at the moment I'm all over the place. I was in a good routine with work last year until it all went wrong and since then I've kind of just been going through life waiting for something good to happen. Because everything that happened with work was because of stress and anxiety, I knew I was in no way ready to just start looking for another job, I decided last year I was going to start looking in March 2017, I had hoped by then I might be a bit more myself and have my anxiety under control. How wrong was I. I'd say at the moment my anxiety is on par with how it was when it first started in Leicester and it was horrific then. Some days are better than others and on those days I feel like I can do anything but a lot of the time I just either want to stay in bed or it's a struggle to do anything. 

I'm doing what I can to get help for my anxiety but it's a long journey and unfortunately not as simple as just asking for help and been seen by a councellor within a week, and thats what is frustrating me at the moment. I want to work, I want to earn money, I want to have nice things, I want to go on holidays, I want to have a house, but all of these things require me getting a job and I'm actually really pretty angry that my anxiety is stopping all of that, because until that is under control I am really not mentally ready to go back in to work and I don't know when I will be. I see so many people that I know having babies, buying houses, getting a car, getting dogs, going on nice holidays and then theres just me and I have none of that. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for what I have, I have a lovely little flat, I have an amazing fiance who would do anything for me, we have money, we go on a few weekends away each year, but I never feel like its enough. I'm always just waiting for the next thing and I always feel like even though I do have a good life, it's nothing compared to some people. I hate that I even say that and I compare myself to others, social media is evil for that sometimes but I can't help it. I know that once I get back into work we can have those things, we can finally go on holiday together, we can finally rent a house, we can finally get a dog, but it's the not knowing when those things are going to happen that is getting to me. And it's not even just that, I have no idea what job I WANT to do! Even when hopefully my anxiety is under control and I'm in a better place mentally to go back into work, I don't even know where to start. Some days I think maybe I should go back to uni? Train to be a teacher or something? It's always been something that has interested me but regardless of my anxiety, do I really have the confidence for that? probably not. Should I go back into an office job? I enjoyed my last job when it came to the actual work and I was bloody good at it, but it's finding one in the first place and not everywhere is going to be as small as the last place I was at and I don't do well with loads of people and big teams. Should I just hope I can turn my blog into my job? I would love to call this my job one day but it's unlikely to ever happen, there are so many bloggers out there who are better than me and earn so much more than I do from my little blog. I'm so proud of my blog at the moment, I actually think it's the best it's ever been but I don't do this for money, I do it because I love it, and would it be the same if this was my job? I don't know. So what else is there? Socially I'm not that good so I could never work in somewhere really public so I feel pretty limited. I just honestly have no idea what to do with my life and it's getting me down. I know I'm only 22 and I'm aware that is SO young but I've always felt mentally about 30 so for me, having a house and a car and having kids doesn't feel like it should be a million miles away, I'm ready now and it's so annoying knowing I can't have those things yet while everyone else around me can. 

I've also been thinking recently that I just don't even want to live in Sheffield anymore. I'm completely re-assessing everything and what I want, and I don't know if being here is that anymore. If you've read my blog for a while you'll know we lived in Leicester for a while and as much as we both loved it, Sheffield was always home. Now, I find myself thinking more and more about Leicester and how that is actually home. That's where we should still be. I don't know whats really here for us anymore, George has such a good job and that would be the reason at the moment we wouldn't move back or elsewhere but apart from a few family members and friends, there's nothing keeping us here. We both feel so seperate from so many people and it's just a bit sad sometimes being in the same city and feeling so alone. We love that it is just us two most of the time, we're a proper little team but at times like Christmas and Easter it's quite obvious a lot of people don't give us a second thought, and that's pretty shit when you haven't really done anything wrong. It's just us two and so why should we stay here? I can guarantee most people wouldn't even notice if we moved, let alone care or stay in touch. I don't know, it all probably sounds stupid but I just don't know what the right thing is anymore.

I'd like to think one day I'll look back on this post and laugh because everything has got so much better, but part of me wonders if this is just how my life is supposed to be, okay but nothing compared to most. I don't know, do you ever feel like your having a bit of a crisis? Are you ever not sure where your life is going? I think I'm just a bit all over the place at the moment and I'm really hoping things start to look up soon because feeling like is and seeing so many good things happening to others on social media, is just draining. 

Relevant posts you might want to read - Why Being A Nurse Wasn't For Me // Why I Had To Leave My Job

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