Monday, 12 September 2016

My Decision to Leave University - 2 Years On...

Over the last few months I have been thinking about the fact that I chose to leave university and I've been feeling a mixture of emotions about it.

I wrote my post 'Why Nursing Wasn't For Me' in July 2014 which explained the whole situation and why I made the decision to leave, so if you haven't read it please give it a read as it properly explains how I felt at the time and will make this post, make a bit more sense. In short though, I was so unhappy on my nursing course, so unsupported and generally it wasn't the right path for me, which is a shame as I had been set on becoming a nurse for a long, long time. If I had stayed at university I would have been graduating soon, I'd be on my last placement and would be applying for full time nursing jobs, if I'd not already got one sorted. I'm still part of a Facebook group that I joined before I even started uni, it was one for everyone who would be starting at the same time as me and people still post on there so I see what stages everyone is at and what's going on. I'm not sure why I'm still part of the group as sometimes it makes me really sad to know I gave up. But I just don't want to leave the group and it properly be over, which I know sounds silly. Sometimes I think maybe it was a mistake to leave when I did but at the time I couldn't cope. I know every course is different but I think people underestimate just how hard a nursing course is and just how much it takes over your life. At the time, I wasn't just dealing with the stress of uni, I had a lot of other things going on, things that still haven't got better, and that's when my anxiety first started and it was awful. I never want to feel like I did then as I really don't think I was well and it was completely ruining everything. 

I know at the time it was the right decision and ultimately I don't regret it. I did what I had to do for me, I didn't want to just get the degree to impress people or because other people wanted me to, if I was going to stay on the course, I wanted it to be for me, but I didn't really want it enough and I don't think I had it in me to carry on with it. I think even if I had made it to the end I wouldn't be happy, and I'd probably have ended up doing something different anyway. The thing that does get to me about my decision is the fact that it impacted on George staying at uni, and I don't think people realise how hard that time was, it wasn't an easy decision and I think there are a few people who think I made him leave or it was my fault, but it really wasn't like that. As I struggled to get a job, we had to make the decision to move back to Sheffield and even though George had to work in a job he didn't particularly enjoy for a year, we're now I'm a really good place, he's got a great job and there's real opportunities for him and as he works so hard I know he'll do well. We have our own little home and have so many exciting things planned. Sometimes I think we should have got it together a bit more, or if we'd stayed and got degrees we might be further along with some things but really I don't think we would be, whereas now we're on the right track and at least we can look back and think that even though it's been hard everything we've done we've done by ourselves and we're now in a good place, we're still so young and there is so much time to achieve things we want to achieve and to do everything we want to do. I don't think university is the be all and end all, if you work hard enough you can still do well and get where you want to be. 

The thing I do miss about uni, is Leicester. I loved living there and I think we would both go back if there was an opportunity too, it will always be special as it's where we first lived together. I do want to go back just for the day or a night soon, but I really don't know how i'll feel walking where we used to and going to the places we used to go, I think it would be quite emotional. But maybe thats what I need, to help me properly deal with everything that happened. I just kind of completely shut off any thoughts about uni, especially my placement as that was really horrible, so I think that's something i'll have to deal with one day, but overall I think we're in a much better position now than we were a few years ago and generally much happier.
Sometimes life doesn't always go as you planned and mine definitely hasn't but I always like to believe that everything happens for a reason.

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