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Wednesday, 14 December 2016

It's Okay To Not Look Forward To Your Birthday...

I was in two minds over whether to talk about this on my blog or not, I'm almost a bit embarrassed by how I feel at the moment and I'm not sure if it's a good thing to talk about it and put it out there or whether I should have just kept it to myself. I've been feeling quite down and anxious over the last few weeks. My birthdays coming up and even though birthdays should be a happy thing, for me I just really don't look forward to them anymore and to be honest it's been making me feel crap, it's even been affecting my sleep and at the moment I'm really struggling to just switch off. Writing and talking about things that make me feel like this really helps so that's why I've decided to do this and also in the hope that maybe other people feel the way I do sometimes.
I know as you grow up birthdays change and of course there never going to be like they were when you were younger but I dreaded my last birthday and at the moment I'm feeling the same sort of feelings about turning 22 in January. My last birthday should have been a big one to look forward to, 21 is one of those birthdays that everyone says is special, but to me it was the exact same as any other and I don't think I'll look back and think my 21st was a big deal. No one at work remembered, they didn't realise until it came up on Facebook that day, very little people got in touch to say Happy Birthday and as I don't have a relationship with my family, it was all just a bit sad. I imagine if you have a great family and loads of friends, birthdays just get better and better, but I don't. George does everything he can to make my birthdays special and none of this is a reflection on him in any way, I imagine I'm driving him mad at the moment as I'm just putting a downer on it all before it's even here but it's just really hard to think positive about it sometimes.

I just want to say before I carry on that this post is in no way me trying to get sympathy or make people feel sorry for me in any way, I just wanted to talk about it because maybe others feel like this sometimes and it's nice to know your not alone. I have a bit of a fear of getting older and even though I know early 20's are SO young, for me I am really aware of where I am in life at almost 22 and and I'm not doing what I imagined and I don't feel any closer to getting the things I desperately want. I'm worried before I know it I'll be 30, in the exact same place I am now still not knowing what I want to do with my life, still with no kids and I know that's a really pessimistic way to look at life but it's how I think a lot of the time and it really worries me that that might might be the case one day. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and it scares me I'm going into a new year with no idea what's going to happen. Even though I know it was the right decision to leave my job this year, I still get sad that this is how it's all worked out and I feel for the first time I really have no clue what the next year will be like and that's scary. I don't want to be writing the same post next year before turning 23 and still feeling the same but I'm worried I will. I always sort of think about life and where it's going when my birthdays coming up, but this is the second year in a row where I really just don't want it to arrive. I feel like I've achieved nothing since last year. 

Something else about birthdays that gets me is that I always worry people will forget about it and it makes me really anxious in the run up to it. It's not that I expect loads of messages or presents or anything, it really isn't but sometimes there are people you hope or expect to put some effort in. A lot of the time though the people I really put thought and effort into when it comes to christmas and birthdays, don't give that effort back and it really gets me down. I always know it's going to happen so it's not like it's a surprise on my actual birthday but it's still pretty crap. I just have this need to be liked and a lot of the time I don't feel that many people do like me so when it comes to my birthday and then there are people who clearly haven't put any thought in or haven't got in touch, it's just a bit like oh okay people really don't like me do they? and I'm not sure why. 

There's just something about birthdays that makes my anxiety go wild and I just re-assess my whole life and start worrying that everyone just forgets about me. I know deep down that's probably not the case but when the same sort of things happen every birthday it's hard to look forward to the next one and feel positive about it. I know I'm probably being a bit harsh on myself saying I've achieved nothing this year, I know the decisions I've made have been the right ones and hopefully I'll be leaving a bad year behind and going into something great, it's just difficult sometimes. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets like this about birthdays, or I hope not. I suppose I just wanted to reassure myself and any others who feel like this that it's okay to not look forward to birthdays and it's okay to do things differently to other people. I just wanted to get all of this out as keeping it bottled up isn't helping and this is sort of my release and a place for me to say whatever I want. I'm not sure what I'll be doing on my actual birthday, I might just choose to sit in and eat cake rather than celebrating and if I do then that's fine.

Do you ever feel anxious about birthdays? Do you ever not look forward to your birthday?

Relevant posts you might want to read - Why I Had To Leave My Job // Why Being A Nurse Wasn't For Me

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